Back in time...

Wow.  

Never would have thought in a million years that the death of an actor would affect me so.  I was in a sort of haze all day since I saw the email alert.  I worked my butt off, only smoked two cigarettes today at work and then went right back to work to busy myself.  I finished the day...actually at four I was shocked that the work day was over because I was so focused.  I came home...made dinner...got the kids settled.  I went to mom's.  I was FINE.  Everything was alright.  As long as I kept busy I was fine.  Now, not so much.  See...I have never really grieved for my father.  I have a shrine of him so to speak in my house.  I talk to him DAILY.  I see him every day when I look in the mirror, when I look at my kids...when I am at mom's, when I am at Teddy's...never hit me HARD until today.  I saw the breaking news in an email around noon.  I ignored it like I do most things.  If I "un"read it, it never happened.  Anyway...I hung out for awhile in Millville, then came home.  Here is where y'all are going to think a.) this bitch is out of her ever lovin mind; or b.) Lord love a duck she is seriously in need of a hug.  I got home around 10...kids are still sleeping, even Jamie is sleeping.  I walked down to the basement for what reason I do not know and I opened Facebook.  I saw all of these pictures of Andy Griffith.  All of a sudden...like a ton of bricks had been thrown into my chest...I could not breath.  I could cry.  That's it.  I cried and cried and cried.  For dad.  It all of a sudden was SO final.  It has been almost 6 years since my daddy went away, home.  Tonight it hit me.  I have said for years that it would and I was not sure when it would happen.  It has...and it sucks.  I have cried here and there and yes I even cry at sappy commercials.  It has never ever hurt so bad.  Oh my goodness it hurts.  I was fine making photo albums of dad  so I could give them to mom and Dan and Ted at Christmas last year.  I was fine when Sophia looked at me with my dad's grin the other day.  Tonight, it physically hurts.  I don't like this.  I HATE this.  I hate that he is gone.  I hate the whole situation.  I feel sooooooo stupid sitting here about to post this knowing full well that to most...it has been played out...that I should be moving on by now.  That just because an actor in a TV show from years ago passed on it triggered something in me that I cannot even begin to explain made me feel all of this.  I quit watching it when dad passed.  I have not watched it since, I have tried...but I never could get through more than a few minutes.  God works in weird ways and we never know what is in store for any of us.  All I know is I want to go back to being oblivious and FINE.  This feeling is nothing I would wish on anyone.  Maybe I am being selfish, I know full well there are others suffering worse fates than what I am feeling now.  I don't know what it is...maybe it is because I can remember almost EVERY DAY of my life at some point in the day that show would be on in our living room, maybe it's because dad was the only police officer in Millville and people used to call him Andy - and our neighbor Jack "Barney" - and me Opey back in the day.  Not to mention I actually had an aunt named Bee!  Too close for comfort this day was.  Too much realization...too much feeling...too much period.  Too much.  


So sorry for bumming y'all out...but it is what it is...I cannot say anything more.  I am gonna go now and amplify the pain by finding the perfect video and picture for this post.  Love you all and thank you for reading!!  God bless!

~til next time~

enjoy this episode...one of my favorites.