The Helladays...

The Helladays.

That is what I like to call the start of this insanity of a season so to speak.  DRAMA.  Whether you want it or not.  Crazy, hectic, running to and fro...it is INSANE!!!

Turkey Day.  What ever happened to Turkey Day?  Getting together with family and enjoying the time together.  Being thankful, or fessing up to past indiscretions like sneaking out after the parents were asleep. Just FUN!  Crazy concept, I know.

I honestly do not know why I am writing you all.  I just finished off an uncontrollable sob-fest.  October 26th through the new year screws me off and on, and has for six years.  Bleeds into April, and every day in between.  Some days I am fine, some days not so much.  This time of year, no matter how frustrating is one of the things I remember most about my dad.  So I reminisce in my mind.  And so it is apparently flowing out to y'all.

I remember a 27 pound turkey...a house not big enough to hold everyone...sneaking a turkey heart without anyone seeing me...scrabble playing...DAD!!!  I remember my DAD!!!  Oh my goodness, every scent, sight, and every loud comment...it is him.  I remember my amazing mama toiling over every savory and sweet bite for hours!!!  It is her.  I remember Thanksgiving being a time of thanks, and happiness...no matter what may lie in front of us.  What happened to that?

I am going to take a moment, or few, of your time...and say THANKS!

There are no words to describe...I am so thankful for my amazing husband and three wonderful kids.  They make life, "interesting".  =)  I am beyond thankful for my Mama, my brothers and my Aunt Mar!!  I am thankful for those that I consider my "chosen family"!!  You all know who you are!  I am thankful for the wonderful family that welcomed in a girl from Millville...those Berryman's!!  I am thankful for all of my AMAZING nieces and nephews...and babies!!  I am thankful for all of those that I have been blessed enough with to call a friend!!  God and I love you all!  I also want to say that I am so thankful that I had the time I was given with my daddy, my Gram and my Grampa.  I love you all and I miss you daily!!!

In conclusion, I am very thankful for my life and every single person in it.

I love you all...God bless and have a bountiful Thanksgiving!!!  xoxoxoxoxoxo

Yes...a post election post.  I one hundred and fifty percent would have voted for Grimes/Dixon if it were in fact the zombie apocalypse!!   That said...

Last week, I was ecstatic that President Obama was re-elected.  I was further gratified when a certain Anti-Obama friend blocked me from their poorly written and hate fueled statements on Facebook.  I respect those that are Republican, I never claimed otherwise.  I have voted that way in the past.  So I fully admit that I am part of the reason we are in the situation fiscally that we are now.  I am INDEPENDENT.  I do what I feel right at the time.  Period.  When I read a post that is written with integrity and genuine forethought, I am filled with respect for that individual.  When I read a post that is filled with misspellings and poor grammar and falsehoods, that is something entirely different.  A great deal of Republicans want to state that Obama is taking away their liberties.  I just want to say that Bill Maher said it best last Wednesday when he said that, "This is liberty...liberty is deciding what I put in my body, who I want to marry...this is actual liberty."  Speaking of what we put in our bodies, there are also those that are upset that Mrs. Michelle Obama wants to make school lunches healthier?  WOW!! What a travesty!!!  My child cannot get a Coca-Cola out of a vending machine?  My kid cannot get a Snickers bar anytime they want from a magic sugar dispenser known as the same?  REALLY???  That is something to be upset about y'all.  Lord have mercy, my child is being subjected to HEALTHY choices at lunch???!!!  What an outrage!!!  HA!  I could tell you right now that my kids would JUMP at the chance to get candy or soda...because I do NOT let them have it all the time!!!  Ask any of my kids and they would rather have peanut butter and celery as a snack...or RAW broccoli and bell peppers.  I digress.  

The election is over.  Obama won.  If you are that confident that this means the end of it all to the point that you would sign a petition to not be a part of the greatest union...then so be it.  You are all the minority in that choice, but it IS your CHOICE.  I want to live in a nation that supports my right as a woman to choose what I do with my body.  A nation that supports my gay brothers and sisters in their quest to be able to wed.  A nation that cares about the welfare and future of my children's education.  A nation that allows me to speak freely and post this even though it will anger more than a few.  I believe in human rights, point blank.

We are all our own persons, but we are ONE nation.  It is time we started acting like it, no matter who is in office.  You all may think that I am up on my high horse because Obama won, and I might be, however, as I said before...I am an INDEPENDENT.  I respect those that oppose Obama, I only have a problem with those that make uneducated arguments and non-factual statements.

In conclusion, they say it takes all kinds...but the kinds of remarks I have been reading...come morning, I will have a great deal less "friends".  So...if you read this in time...nice knowing you.  I really hope you find the good ole' boy US of A you're looking for.

Peace and love and EQUAL RIGHTS PREVAIL!!!!! 

Back in time...

Wow.  

Never would have thought in a million years that the death of an actor would affect me so.  I was in a sort of haze all day since I saw the email alert.  I worked my butt off, only smoked two cigarettes today at work and then went right back to work to busy myself.  I finished the day...actually at four I was shocked that the work day was over because I was so focused.  I came home...made dinner...got the kids settled.  I went to mom's.  I was FINE.  Everything was alright.  As long as I kept busy I was fine.  Now, not so much.  See...I have never really grieved for my father.  I have a shrine of him so to speak in my house.  I talk to him DAILY.  I see him every day when I look in the mirror, when I look at my kids...when I am at mom's, when I am at Teddy's...never hit me HARD until today.  I saw the breaking news in an email around noon.  I ignored it like I do most things.  If I "un"read it, it never happened.  Anyway...I hung out for awhile in Millville, then came home.  Here is where y'all are going to think a.) this bitch is out of her ever lovin mind; or b.) Lord love a duck she is seriously in need of a hug.  I got home around 10...kids are still sleeping, even Jamie is sleeping.  I walked down to the basement for what reason I do not know and I opened Facebook.  I saw all of these pictures of Andy Griffith.  All of a sudden...like a ton of bricks had been thrown into my chest...I could not breath.  I could cry.  That's it.  I cried and cried and cried.  For dad.  It all of a sudden was SO final.  It has been almost 6 years since my daddy went away, home.  Tonight it hit me.  I have said for years that it would and I was not sure when it would happen.  It has...and it sucks.  I have cried here and there and yes I even cry at sappy commercials.  It has never ever hurt so bad.  Oh my goodness it hurts.  I was fine making photo albums of dad  so I could give them to mom and Dan and Ted at Christmas last year.  I was fine when Sophia looked at me with my dad's grin the other day.  Tonight, it physically hurts.  I don't like this.  I HATE this.  I hate that he is gone.  I hate the whole situation.  I feel sooooooo stupid sitting here about to post this knowing full well that to most...it has been played out...that I should be moving on by now.  That just because an actor in a TV show from years ago passed on it triggered something in me that I cannot even begin to explain made me feel all of this.  I quit watching it when dad passed.  I have not watched it since, I have tried...but I never could get through more than a few minutes.  God works in weird ways and we never know what is in store for any of us.  All I know is I want to go back to being oblivious and FINE.  This feeling is nothing I would wish on anyone.  Maybe I am being selfish, I know full well there are others suffering worse fates than what I am feeling now.  I don't know what it is...maybe it is because I can remember almost EVERY DAY of my life at some point in the day that show would be on in our living room, maybe it's because dad was the only police officer in Millville and people used to call him Andy - and our neighbor Jack "Barney" - and me Opey back in the day.  Not to mention I actually had an aunt named Bee!  Too close for comfort this day was.  Too much realization...too much feeling...too much period.  Too much.  


So sorry for bumming y'all out...but it is what it is...I cannot say anything more.  I am gonna go now and amplify the pain by finding the perfect video and picture for this post.  Love you all and thank you for reading!!  God bless!

~til next time~

enjoy this episode...one of my favorites.

Family Is What You Make Of It. Period.

I have been crazy busy...warm weather makes the little ones anxious and gives mama little time to herself.  So I decided to blog tonight just to get something off my chest.  Nothing funny, no fuck you's or anything.  I KNOW!!!  Unreal.  But it is what it is...and here goes...

Family.  That seems to be a tricky word these days...for me at least.  Not for the ones I truly consider to be a part of my family.  But for the others that claim to be a part of mine...yes.  One person can only give so much before they are spent.  Honestly.  You don't necessarily expect reciprocation, but it would be nice...let's face it.  Never get it.  Never have since May of an unnamed year.  That's fine too.  I know I have tried.  I fail every time.  Not  by my fault...but some one else's.  I have come to be at peace with this. Yes, I have lost some of those that meant the world to me.  I can no longer speak with them.  The ones I speak of at this moment, are not far from me physically...five minutes down the road...or a simple phone call.  The past couple weeks have awakened me to the reality of it all.  I do believe it is a lost cause.  Like I am going through the motions...holding onto something that is not there.  Sad?  Yes, definitely.  But I cannot go on worrying about what a couple people think of me...or my family.  They want to live in the past...so be it.  They want to act a fool and be BEYOND ridiculous...so be it.  I at least have the rationality to say, look...I'm done.  I am done playing the go between.  I am done playing the devil's advocate.  I am done PRETENDING to care.  In all honesty I was done caring a VERY long time ago.  I tried.  I did.  Whether you want to admit it or not.  I am the one that was abandoned for a new family.  I have ALWAYS been here.  I was always the one to let bygones be bygones.  You never have...and I really don't think you ever will.  That is fine though.  If you want to spend a life living in the past that is fine...but I refuse to be there with you.  I would welcome a relationship between the two of us...and our children...start rebuilding.  You don't want that.  It is so crystal clear to me now.  FINALLY.  After all these years.

I honestly hope that I can stick to my guns this time.  I can with him... definitely, but with you...yet to be seen.  I am so beyond hurt...and the hurt goes back so long...that it is going to be up to you to repair it.  I love you.  I love the person you used to be...and you are still somewhere deep inside.  I just wish that person would emerge again.  I have not seen her in so long.

All I ask is this...let go of the past.  Live for NOW.  Realize who you really have in your corner if you want them there.

I miss you.  I love you.  

So this is goodbye.

Love you all for reading...even though it was cryptic.  It is what it is.

til next time

~xoxoxo~

Common Sense Y'all

 As if this entry needed an opening, am I right folks?  Common sense.  Just not enough of it to go around these days.  I know I have it.  I know I am instilling it in my children.  The rest of the world?  Not so sure.  This girl makes my brain ache.  She is endearing and sweet, but painful to watch.  I recall being behind a gal in the post office a couple  years ago...she wanted  to send a package to Africa.  The postal worker explained the over-seas charge.  The girl looked at the woman with a straight face and said, "Africa is NOT over seas!"  Really Einstein?

 She was IN COLLEGE!!!  ENROLLED and taking classes!!!  Are you kidding me?  Sad to say at the least.  Another PRIME example is someone that has a great job...yet decides to air his frustrations about his job ON LINE!  For lack of a better word...DUH!!!  Have some common sense enough to know that your co-workers see it therefore your boss will see it.  I would say poor sap, but he should have known better.  I suppose what I am getting at is the simple fact that everyone is so focused on making sure their kids are the brightest of the bunch when it comes to

 book smarts, they completely negate street smarts.  And let's face it, in this day and age you HAVE to have street smarts.  Street smarts=common sense.  There are so many more dangers around every corner these days.  Common sense it what saves lives every day!  Go to get in your car,  have a little trouble with the groceries and unlocking the car...stranger offers to help...what do you do?  Ignore them! Same premise, if you park somewhere open...then come back outside to walk to your car to find a van parked close by...what do you do?  You look from afar under the van, and NEVER open your car door from the side the van is parked on...and STAY AWARE!!  If you have kids...you ALWAYS keep them with you until the groceries

are unloaded.  NEVER put them in the car first...no matter how cold it is outside.  Unless you have the option of holding your keys in hand while locking the doors and loading things in the back.  Common sense.  Two words that could throw off the most experienced of predators.  I don't think they put enough emphasis on common sense in schools anymore...it is all technical learning.  Phonics, check.  Addition, check.  Not enough, I guess most would call it scare tactics.  But think about it.  Wouldn't you rather your child know the dangers of the outside world?  I would.  I make sure they know.

Maybe all too well in some eyes.  A child goes missing, they watch the news cast.  A child has an accident of any kind, they watch the news cast.  I want my babies to know and UNDERSTAND the consequences of things.  How many years have people been preaching about the dangers of the internet and talking to strangers?  Yet there are so many teenagers and kids that still do it!  Without their parents knowledge!!!  Parents:  STEP UP!!!  BE AWARE!!!  And make your kids aware!!  Be present in what they are saying and doing!  We can only be there so much as parents...but I am begging you...be there.  Not to the point of annoyance, but be there ALWAYS.  Look out for them.  Don't spy on them, don't allow it to get to that point.  Teach your children early the greatness that comes from having common sense and the greatness that can come from having an open relationship with their parents.  The reward is greater than you may think!  Especially when you have the privilege of tucking in your baby every night unlike so many others that no longer have the option.  I am in NO way saying it is some parents fault their babies are no longer within arms reach, it is not...that would be the low life predator I am preaching to y'all to avoid...but I am advocating that we as parents instill as firmly as possible the repercussions of our child's actions.  All the while keeping them close at home and safe.

Mothers Day..as I see it...

It is no shock to y'all that I miss my walkers.  And in all honesty I have not watched one single episode in over a month.  Conveniently it was replaced by Dexter, however, I am caught up on that show now.  Left in limbo for both to start again in the fall.  Great way to lead into a Mothers Day post huh?  Well, I will say this...I have the most amazing mother that anyone could ask for!  I even attempted to get us tickets to Ellen's Mothers Day show by submitting a video.  But apparently we didn't make the cut.  Oh well.  I still love Ellen and more importantly, I love my mama!!!  I am still at a loss as to what to do for her for the day.  Flowers seem a bit over played.  Nothing like waiting til the last minute!!  What is worse is that she is more than likely going to read this and know what a slacker I am!  But I do want the world to know what an amazing mother I have been blessed with!  And I strive to be everything morally and personally that she is.  I pray every day that each of my girls regard me in the way I do my mom.  There could not be a better fit if God tried!  Obviously He got it right the first time around!  I love you mom!!!!  There is not a way to put in words how much I love my mama!

Since we are on the topic of moms, before I get to my own issues.  I just wanna give a shout out to a few amazing moms out there...this could be a long list.  My Aunt Mar...you are always there no matter what...and so selfless!  Love you so much and you deserve the best!  Mama Sandy...you are a constant and inspiring and so amazing!  Love you bunches!  My amazing friends that I vent with, learn with and more importantly grow with:  Cara, Angie, Dani, Krista...I hope you know now and always just how much I love and adore and respect all of you!  I could not get through this life without you!!  My AMAZING mother in law who cares for my babies everyday, I love you and there is no way I would be where I am without you!!  Nor would I even want to!!  Love you Connie!!  My sister from another mother Ricki...my girl.  You know how much you mean to me! I love you!!  You are always there...no matter if he is your brother or not...you listen and more importantly take my side! lol  My "hood posse" Kathi and Tricia, I hope you gals know how much I love you!  I thank you for the countless days of "drama filled" conversations...and "bitch fests" about things...love you girls so very much!  I think you girls daily see me at my best and worst and still wanna hang with me...BIG kuddos there!  Love you!  Lindsey and Leigh...wow, I don't even pretend to know how to get through this life without you now!  I love you gals!!   I do.  You both let me vent and vice versa...I think we have learned so much from one another!!  And last but not least, Kelli...my online soulmate...love you girl and thank you so much for all of your sound advice and our talks...you are an amazing mom and friend!!

Now, this in no way negates the positive influence all of my mama friends have on me.  I have a slue of friends and family that are just as worthy of praise.  I just only have so much time this evening, so if I did not mention you personally...please know that I love and value you all!  All of the moms out there.  There is no job more thankless yet rewarding than being a mom.

Now, being selfish...back to me.  Am I a horrible person for thinking that Mothers Day should be about mom?  Meaning a break from the kids?  I must be.  My dream Mothers Day weekend would include the following, not necessarily in this order:

Coming home on Friday to an EMPTY house with dinner from Fiesta Charra in tow.
Immediately laying on the couch and eating, watching whatever I want...The Walking Dead perhaps for the 900th time.
Sleeping.
Waking up on Saturday to an empty house around noon.
Leaving long enough to get Jolly's for lunch and a Richards Steak Sandwich for dinner.
Continue lying on couch and watching TV, maybe The Walking Dead.
Fall asleep around 9.
Sleep til noon.
Clean the house.
My husband and babies come home to me in a good mood for once and we have a nice family dinner!

Dream on I know.

HAPPY MOTHERS DAY ALL!!

til next time

xoxo

A homage and final farewell to the Dude...

 He was an amazing gift from my wonderful mother. It apparently was a secret for over a month or so that he would be given to me on Christmas.  It was the best Christmas since I got my Barbie house a long time ago.  I had such high hopes for Dude and his life with us...unfortunately that was short lived.  Him in combination with the other five in the house I take care of proved too much and it was not doing him any favors by having so little attention.  He is a beautiful boy...and I have no reservations that his new home will be so much better for him.  He now has a daddy that wants to work with him, a stay at home mom, twin six year old girls and an eight year old boy that will give him all the attention he deserves.  I miss him though.  And I will for awhile.  It is going to take a long time to get used to only calling for Zobert to go outside for potty time.  I still think twice about leaving the bedroom doors open so he can't get in them.  The cat seems a little lost without him.  I will miss him keeping me warm and snuggling on the couch late at night when he was being a good lazy dog.  I will miss watching him and Abigail wrestling and playing...as will she as she informed me this evening.  But...bright side is we can easily go visit him from time to time.  No more washing out his cage every two days.  No more pacing the floors above my head while trying to relax.  No more whining.  No more bellowing, not barking...bellowing while I am trying to get Sophia to sleep.  No more using the house or my flower bed as a bathroom.  No more throwing toys away because he ate an arm or leg off of something.  No more caging Abigail between chairs to eat dinner to keep him from snatching food from her...and only her.  Now Sophia can crawl all over without the risk of going through a puddle I didn't see.  (NO, that never happened but so easily could have.)  Back to spending $8 dollars a month on dog food versus $20 a week.  The cons definitely out weigh the pros.  I love my mom so much for doing this for me...and he is great.  We tried as long as we could to keep him.  I know some will miss the bitching about the damn dog Dude...but we did what we had to do.  At least he went to a good family.  So this one's for you Dude...love you buddy!!  You are where you need to be with a family that has the time and attention to give you!

til next time

xoxo

Allow me to annoy you...

I realized this evening how annoying I am.  You know how you have certain people in your life that say the same things over and over?  I am one of those people.  My life could be a drinking game...but um, anyway.  How many times in my daily life, or emails, or Facebook posts or blog entries do I suddenly sound like a vinyl record skipping?  Seriously?  Zombies. For real?  The Walking Dead. Are you kidding me?  TV.  Fuck!  Beer.  Fuck!  Alcohol.  Rob Zombie.  Wine. No problem!  Shit!  Dude!!!  Really??  Fuck...I honestly do not understand how anyone can stand me.  I am annoying myself.  What the fuck is wrong with me?  Ironically enough, any explanation I could muster up would lead right back to the aforementioned cliche's.  So I guess there is no answer for my annoying habitual phrases or topics of conversation.  I know my F-bombs annoy my best friend.  I keep fucking doing that one to aggravate her though.  You know who you are dude!  There I go again!  Seriously?  Again!!  It is an epidemic with me.  There is no magical pill to make it stop either.  The alcohol makes it worse.  Speaking of alcohol, drink every time you read the word annoying.  Apparently this is going to be the not so secret word of the day!

We all have annoying traits.  I don't think any one of us realizes it either.  We all do it all the time.  It is so annoying to come to the realization just to how annoying you yourself are though.  I could easily sit here and say, I own it...I am going to try to stop.  Sadly, there is no rehab for this affliction.

I also realized this evening what a hypocrite I am when it comes to punctuation.  Incomplete and run on sentences.  Grammatical inconsistencies.  Wow.  The entire beginning to this paragraph is an English teachers worst nightmare.  I am terrible!  I am owning up to all of this shit after reviewing my previous posts on this here blog.  I honestly cannot even remember what constitutes a paragraph.  I am almost positive it has to be a certain amount of sentences and contain at least a semblance of succinct content, to which this one does not qualify.

I was watching video clips of the kids tonight, attempting a decision on which ones to post.  I opted away from a few due to the fact that my voice over was SO INCREDIBLY annoying.

My friend tells me that I am such an eloquent(actually she was really proud of coming up with another word for it all on her own but I can't remember it right now so we are using eloquent)writer, that I could get my point across just as easily by omitting the curse words.  She doesn't understand that if I were to do that, it would take all the fun out of it for me.  Me.  There is the reason, excuse, what have you.  Love me, like me or back the fuck off me damn it!  I am what I am.

Obviously y'all are bearing witness to a slight mental rambling of my own creation...if you think this is bad, try being in my brain daily.  Hope this was at least a little more lighthearted and more of an enjoyable read than the previous two.  Also, I think I have FINALLY figured out how to not have 90 kinds of font in a single post.  I will get there...

til next time

xoxo

Thirty...something

I ran across this article today...thought I would give some answers!

"In 1997, Glamour magazine published a story titled "30 Things Every Woman Should Have and Should Know by the Time She's 30." The list, written by Pamela Redmond Satran, was so popular that women started emailing it around, misattributing it to various female luminaries including Maya Angelou and Hillary Clinton. Noting what a phenomenon it had become, the editors of Glamour created a book around it, featuring essays from (mostly) famous women on each of the items on the list. The book, released today, includes meditations from Katie Couric on work and love, Portia de Rossi on accepting your body, and one from the list's original author, who is also a Huffington Post blogger, on how to live alone.

Because the list still makes us so, so happy, we asked Glamour's permission to reprint it here:"

I am posting it here, giving FULL credit for the statements to Glamour magazine...these are not my questions...but the answers are my own.

By 30, you should have ...

1. One old boyfriend you can imagine going back to and one who reminds you of how far you’ve come.        My husband is both ironically enough. 

2. A decent piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in your family.   Not a one.

3. Something perfect to wear if the employer or man of your dreams wants to see you in an hour.  

Done and DONE.

4. A purse, a suitcase, and an umbrella you’re not ashamed to be seen carrying.   Nothing I wear or carry makes me feel ashamed.

5. A youth you’re content to move beyond.      This is a loaded statement.  I will never think that I cannot at least "act" like a kid with my kids...that would be a detriment to them.  They LOVE seeing mommy act silly like she used to.

6. A past juicy enough that you’re looking forward to retelling it in your old age.  Well, not ALL of it...but most of it!

7. The realization that you are actually going to have an old age -- and some money set aside to help fund it.     I am 35 years old and I would love to believe that I will make it to a ripe old age, but as far as the $ to help fund it...not so sure.  I am trying $5 at a time...but how far can that get you?  At the rate the government is going, and the economy...it is a crap shoot.

8. An email address, a voice mailbox, and a bank account -- all of which nobody has access to but you.    I have one of these three...not gonna say which.  =)

9. A résumé that is not even the slightest bit padded.   I can honestly say mine is NOT padded.  My work ethic speaks for itself.

10. One friend who always makes you laugh and one who lets you cry.  I am SO incredibly lucky to say I have 5 of those!

11. A set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace bra.     Check, check and check!!

12. Something ridiculously expensive that you bought for yourself, just because you deserve it.  I wear it around my neck every day!

13. The belief that you deserve it.    100%.

14. A skin-care regimen, an exercise routine, and a plan for dealing with those few other facets of life that don’t get better after 30.      "Oil of Olay everyday!"  Exercise=3 kids and the gym time I get at work.  A plan...fuck a plan...I take each day as it comes and fight each battle accordingly.

15. A solid start on a satisfying career, a satisfying relationship, and all those other facets of life that do get better.   I have a great job, a more than satisfying relationship with my amazing husband, three beautiful and smart and inspiring daughters that leave me breathless daily in one way or another, a wonderful family and a tremendous "chosen family".  My career IS my family...and all those in it.  I love the life God has seen fit to bless me with.  On bad days, I know it is a test.  One thing I have learned since turning 30...as long as you do your very best, as long as you are a good person, as long as you live by the golden rule...you will be rewarded.  Even though I struggle financially now...I know He is on my side and my family and myself will get through it all.  No matter what...we will prevail.

By 30, you should know ...

1. How to fall in love without losing yourself.  I may have lost myself in my husband in the beginning...but I was never really lost.  I am still here...outspoken as ever...and ready to take on anything!

2. How you feel about having kids.    My feeling about kids...well, I have the most wonderful daughters.  I am so thankful for all three and could not imagine my life without them!

3. How to quit a job, break up with a man, and confront a friend without ruining the friendship.   Well, I can say this...the first two were easy...but the third is not so lucky.  Most times when I confront a friend...it leaves me without that person.  A good thing too, because obviously they were not much of a friend.

4. When to try harder and when to walk away.  I have "almost" mastered this.

5. How to kiss in a way that communicates perfectly what you would and wouldn’t like to happen next.    Just ask my husband.  ;)

6. The names of the secretary of state, your great-grandmothers, and the best tailor in town.  Hillary should be president not just Secretary of State.  My great grandmothers I remember, one sweet as sugar the other sour as vinegar, I got an even mix of both in me.  A tailor?  I'm sorry...but let me get back to you when I make my first million.

7. How to live alone, even if you don’t like to.   I could do it...but would never want ot live this life without my husband and children.

8. Where to go -- be it your best friend’s kitchen table or a yoga mat -- when your soul needs soothing.    My room.  My basement.  Surrounded by MY art, MY words, MY knick knacks that make me me.  Yoga is nice too.

9. That you can’t change the length of your legs, the width of your hips, or the nature of your parents.    I am FINALLY comfortable in my own skin to a point.  Not to say I would not change something if I could.  I would, because I am vain in that respect a bit.  Cannot be helped...that's just me.

10. That your childhood may not have been perfect, but it’s over.  BULLSHIT!  Your childhood is never over so long as you have kids to pass it along to.  So yes...my children will play ghost in the graveyard @ night...my kids will have an imagination instead of relying on TV to give them one...and so on and so forth.

11. What you would and wouldn’t do for money or love.  Would do for money?  Nothing questionable.  Would do for love?  For the love of my husband and family...I would take a bullet for those I love.  Period.

12. That nobody gets away with smoking, drinking, doing drugs, or not flossing for very long.   We shall see...about the first two. =)

13. Who you can trust, who you can’t, and why you shouldn’t take it personally.   Done, done and done.

14. Not to apologize for something that isn’t your fault.    Figured this out a long time ago.

15. Why they say life begins at 30.   It really does.  I didn't figure out any of this until I gave birth to my first child.  Which technically was 28.  But who's counting?  =)

"What's on your personal list of things to have and know -- and possibly do -- before turning 30?"

So there you have it.  I have totally conformed.  A questionnaire within a blog.  The bottom of the barrel of ideas.  Looking outwards instead of in.  Well...all I can say is that tonight...this is all I could muster.  Hope it was a good read...somewhat of an insight into who I am.  Heavy emphasis on the somewhat.

Til next time...

XOXO

This entry may not make sense at all...what's your point?

Well HELLLOOO y'all!! Been awhile, yes I know. I am aware that "slacker" is an understatement when describing my blog habits. I am NOT going to apologize though. My life is one big fat crazy mess of hormones and tee ball and work and speech therapy and housework and...well, all things that come with being a wife and mother. There are quite a few things that are on my mind that would be considered a "hot button" issue. But I may just focus on one.singular.issue. It may just make things worse for a certain party...but the things on my mind need to get out of my mind and off my chest. I am really trying to be good...and not insert my opinionated self onto others. I have been thus far. I am not going to name names...or go into detail...this shall be an overview, a Cliffs Notes if you will, a brief angst-filled outlook on a situation. I will say, I do not boast any authority or education on relationships whatsoever! Hence the picture above, I am one of the "dummies" learning as I go along.

It took me a LONG time to become comfortable and confident in my own skin. I completely understand those that are insecure about themselves. I know where they are coming from. Once I had kids...that insecurity went out the window. Now it is about me and this little one right here. NO man will define me. Yes, I love my husband and our life and I thank God every day that he is my husband and an amazing father. I have girls...and they will be raised to sustain a life on their own...never defined by a man. This is getting off topic...but really it is about maturity. I have never, and will never claim to be the best mother or wife on Earth. However, when things are not as I'd like...I don't run up to my husband and scream and whine about it. We figure it out...together.

Now, that said...some ladies...choose a darker path. They rely on a man to validate their worth. "Oh, I cannot live without you." Or they throw in a jab about past relationships, totally disregarding that they have a past of their own. Insecurity at its best if you ask me. Some women like to make excuses for this. Double standard much?

Some take it to another extreme, violent extremes perhaps. More than once, and still make excuses. There is NO excuse for violence. If it has gotten to that point, obviously something is terribly wrong with your relationship. Scared to let go, scared of change...those things are understandable. Violence against the one you claim to love? NEVER understandable.

Now, taking the above two paragraphs into consideration...I am not completely heartless. I can sympathize to a point. And would have. But lying about it? I draw the line...the only time? No...this was not the ONLY time. Merry Christmas ring a bell? I have held my tongue for a long while. You have no right to do what you have done. NOTHING was done to you. In a drunken state you may have twisted things in your head to think so, but in reality...it wasn't. Defensively maybe...but never maliciously.

I am left with resentment, anger, sadness and disbelief as far as it goes. It sucks, for lack of a better word. I had high hopes and was left disappointed. I have no need or want for an explanation. It means nothing to me at this point.

In summation, life is entirely too short to waste it being unhappy. Live each day like it is your last. You'd be surprised at how happy you could be. Don't fret about the past...it is called that for a reason. The future is yours and it is there for the taking. For everyone of us that wants one. I personally do, and I look forward to each and every day...no mater how insane it may turn out to be with my husband and girls and Zhoe and that damn dog Dude. I LOVE my life! I may vent and complain from time to time...but I also know that this life is gonna throw some curve balls and I may not be ready for them...but my family will get through them. We will throw that ball back and line up in the dug out to hit another one outta the park! How's that for an American past time kinda ending to this entry?

Loss, and then some...

This is not going to be funny...or rage filled...just need to get some things out.

Tonight I am left angry, depressed, sad and well just pissed off. Angry that things don't always turn out the way you think they will day to day. Depressed because I had to pay damn near $90 to fill my tank and get milk and bread. Sad...well, just sad. Sad for my friends and sad for myself. And pissed off for certain reasons that shall remain private. I have been incognito for awhile now. I have struggled with whether or not to write about what has happened lately. I didn't want to bring undue attention to me and my crazy hot mess of a life when those so close to me are hurting so badly. But I am completely heartbroken, for me...but more so for my friends. In shock. I still do not believe it is real. Those that know what happened, know that sadly Nikki and Charlie are no longer here on earth...those that do not...I will make an exception and apologize because there is no need for detail. I have dealt with loss in many forms...too many times in my short lifetime. And each time is hard. We all have. You are not quite sure what to say or do for those grieving. And you are not sure what to do with your own grief. Death is the most inevitable part of this life we each have. Whether it be our own or someone we love. There is no making it sound graceful, it is the hardest thing any of us will face. Ever. Period. There is no escaping it. In my own experience...dealing with it all has taken its toll and continues to. You sit and think "what ifs" and "if only's" daily...if not all day in the back of your mind. It can take over your entire being. There is no stopping it. And to me, sitting and thinking about all of those things is not necessarily a bad thing, we all deal with it differently. Personally, it took over a year before I could go back to dad's grave after the funeral. Same with Gram. I still have not been to Grampa's. It is too final for me I guess you could say. In my head...they were not really gone until that moment I pulled in the cemetery a year or more later. At the same time...I had given myself enough reprieve that I had come to peace with the fact that they had been up above watching over me the whole time I was putting it off. They were already at peace. No more pain, or worry. And had been for some time. It still does not make it any easier. I cry. Oh do I cry. I wish and wish that I could just hug them once more or just hear one word from their lips...all the while knowing it will never happen. I still sit alone at least once every month and watch every video...look through pictures and talk aloud to them like they are right next to me. Hell, I talk to my daddy every.single.day. Like I said, we all deal differently...and whatever works for each of us...works. Whatever gets you through it. Because, let's face it...there is no "getting over" it. You have to find a way to keep going. I found writing helped...and I went through my folders and folders of journal entries such as this:

my letting out

October 2, 2007

"Well, it is getting damn close to one year since dad passed. I still have not been to visit his grave. I don’t think I can. I don’t think I can remain as strong for everyone if I give in and throw in the towel so to speak. I only say that because, I cannot let myself think of his body being there underground and his soul in heaven at the same time. What the hell, it isn’t even about anyone else, it is about me. Me and the fact that I cannot, I refuse to let go. Somehow I have managed to go crazy inside of my own head without letting on to anyone else that I am anymore crazy than normal. I go about my day to day and think, “hell, if I don’t actually go there, it is not real.” It is the same with Gram…I CANNOT do it yet. I don’t know when I will be able to do it. I will go eventually. This all will break me HARD one day…and I will more than likely be in a mass depression for weeks. This will seem strange for most, because most “normal” folk grieve at the time their loved ones pass. I on the other hand…apparently tend to hold it in a bit. Mom and the rest of the family go quite often to the graves. They decorate the graves, talk to dad and gram and then they call me to tell me about it. I don’t break down, I listen and lie. I tell them, “Yeah, I was just there the other day, the wreath is gorgeous.” I don’t have the heart to break theirs. I cannot allow them to think me that heartless. I am not that heartless. I am a coward. That is it, the truth is out. I am not strong. I cannot handle everything that this life throws my way. I pray to God every time I drive the road that leads to where they lay buried for the strength to slow down and turn in. That strength has not come to me yet. I am confident God will grant me that strength when He knows I am ready to deal with it."

The past couple of weeks have hit hard. Not only did I lose friends, but my friends...my chosen family lost family and friends. And like I told mom, I forgot what it was like to lose someone you genuinely care about and at the same time don't have to stay strong for anyone all the time. It hits you all at once and does not stop. At the same time it hurts constantly, not for your own sorrow...but because you know how much those that lost, those you love so very much are hurting. It tugs and rips your heart...you can be there...that's all you can do...and it never seems enough. No amount of shoulder to lean on, coffee and doughnuts, an ear to listen will do what you so wish that it could. All the while just being there helps those, and they tell you so...and deep down you know it does...it still does not seem enough. I find it hard to look them in the eye...because I know if I do we will cry. Which is fine, that's allowed. Like I just read earlier from a very wise person, there is no expiration date on tears. Tears. No recession on tears lately. I miss them both so much. A friend and I talked today...and lunch time...well...it will never be the same without Nikki. Even if she opted out...it was always a question, "where is Nik going today?" And Charlie and I met a couple times...but we facebooked it up...he was SO funny! I am going to miss all of it. All of them. All that they would have been...together. All I can say...is that I will be here no matter what for those that lost, ALWAYS, Nikki will always be at lunch with us daily and with me during every Bengals game no matter how badly they are playing, Charlie...well, I will be walking in October in their honor since they wanted to go...and not a St. Patty's Day will go by without thinking of him. Rest in peace my friends...I know you are wrapping your wings around those that need you most. Thinking of you always!

I will leave you with this from my very dear friend:

This is for all that have EVER lost: Everyday I think, ache, and cry for my darling little girl ♥. I kept writing on her fb more to just keep in contact I think with her. For some reason it made me feel closer. Maybe like she was reading it. Afraid she couldn't hear my thoughts.

I started a journal this morning. It is everything I think, feel, and some things are what I said to her and other things are what I want to say to her. Doesn't matter if it makes since. Doesn't matter if I misspell, doesn't matter if I write sloppy!

I feel (even tho I just started it today) that it is helping me. The tears haven't flowed today..not saying they won't later but it is like a release. Something just between me and Nik. It sits beside my chair and when I start thinking about her, I pick it up and just start writing!

Everyone is different, everyone has their own way. Maybe if you pick up a journal and just start writing to your loved one something just between you and them. I have no idea how long I will write. Don't know if I will do it everyday. All I know is right now, at this very moment I am breathing, not crying and think it is helping me!

When I went to get the journal I looked and looked just for the "right" one. I saw these beautiful purple lilac's on this book. I didn't notice what it said until I picked it up this morning to start writing. On the front it says "From the fullness of His Grace we have all received one blessing after another". John 1:16. I thought aww my blessing was having her in my life!

Then I opened the book and looked at the bottom of the page. On every single page it says "May God our Father and Jesus Christ our Lord show you His kindness and mercy and give you great peace of heart and mind". I Timothy 1:2

I thought OMGOSH I was meant to do this....

If you feel this may help someone you know, please feel free to re-post this. I feel this is Nikki still at work, helping not only her mommy but others too! ♥

~~til next time~~

xoxo