Family Is What You Make Of It. Period.

I have been crazy busy...warm weather makes the little ones anxious and gives mama little time to herself.  So I decided to blog tonight just to get something off my chest.  Nothing funny, no fuck you's or anything.  I KNOW!!!  Unreal.  But it is what it is...and here goes...

Family.  That seems to be a tricky word these days...for me at least.  Not for the ones I truly consider to be a part of my family.  But for the others that claim to be a part of mine...yes.  One person can only give so much before they are spent.  Honestly.  You don't necessarily expect reciprocation, but it would be nice...let's face it.  Never get it.  Never have since May of an unnamed year.  That's fine too.  I know I have tried.  I fail every time.  Not  by my fault...but some one else's.  I have come to be at peace with this. Yes, I have lost some of those that meant the world to me.  I can no longer speak with them.  The ones I speak of at this moment, are not far from me physically...five minutes down the road...or a simple phone call.  The past couple weeks have awakened me to the reality of it all.  I do believe it is a lost cause.  Like I am going through the motions...holding onto something that is not there.  Sad?  Yes, definitely.  But I cannot go on worrying about what a couple people think of me...or my family.  They want to live in the past...so be it.  They want to act a fool and be BEYOND ridiculous...so be it.  I at least have the rationality to say, look...I'm done.  I am done playing the go between.  I am done playing the devil's advocate.  I am done PRETENDING to care.  In all honesty I was done caring a VERY long time ago.  I tried.  I did.  Whether you want to admit it or not.  I am the one that was abandoned for a new family.  I have ALWAYS been here.  I was always the one to let bygones be bygones.  You never have...and I really don't think you ever will.  That is fine though.  If you want to spend a life living in the past that is fine...but I refuse to be there with you.  I would welcome a relationship between the two of us...and our children...start rebuilding.  You don't want that.  It is so crystal clear to me now.  FINALLY.  After all these years.

I honestly hope that I can stick to my guns this time.  I can with him... definitely, but with you...yet to be seen.  I am so beyond hurt...and the hurt goes back so long...that it is going to be up to you to repair it.  I love you.  I love the person you used to be...and you are still somewhere deep inside.  I just wish that person would emerge again.  I have not seen her in so long.

All I ask is this...let go of the past.  Live for NOW.  Realize who you really have in your corner if you want them there.

I miss you.  I love you.  

So this is goodbye.

Love you all for reading...even though it was cryptic.  It is what it is.

til next time

~xoxoxo~