Loss, and then some...

This is not going to be funny...or rage filled...just need to get some things out.

Tonight I am left angry, depressed, sad and well just pissed off. Angry that things don't always turn out the way you think they will day to day. Depressed because I had to pay damn near $90 to fill my tank and get milk and bread. Sad...well, just sad. Sad for my friends and sad for myself. And pissed off for certain reasons that shall remain private. I have been incognito for awhile now. I have struggled with whether or not to write about what has happened lately. I didn't want to bring undue attention to me and my crazy hot mess of a life when those so close to me are hurting so badly. But I am completely heartbroken, for me...but more so for my friends. In shock. I still do not believe it is real. Those that know what happened, know that sadly Nikki and Charlie are no longer here on earth...those that do not...I will make an exception and apologize because there is no need for detail. I have dealt with loss in many forms...too many times in my short lifetime. And each time is hard. We all have. You are not quite sure what to say or do for those grieving. And you are not sure what to do with your own grief. Death is the most inevitable part of this life we each have. Whether it be our own or someone we love. There is no making it sound graceful, it is the hardest thing any of us will face. Ever. Period. There is no escaping it. In my own experience...dealing with it all has taken its toll and continues to. You sit and think "what ifs" and "if only's" daily...if not all day in the back of your mind. It can take over your entire being. There is no stopping it. And to me, sitting and thinking about all of those things is not necessarily a bad thing, we all deal with it differently. Personally, it took over a year before I could go back to dad's grave after the funeral. Same with Gram. I still have not been to Grampa's. It is too final for me I guess you could say. In my head...they were not really gone until that moment I pulled in the cemetery a year or more later. At the same time...I had given myself enough reprieve that I had come to peace with the fact that they had been up above watching over me the whole time I was putting it off. They were already at peace. No more pain, or worry. And had been for some time. It still does not make it any easier. I cry. Oh do I cry. I wish and wish that I could just hug them once more or just hear one word from their lips...all the while knowing it will never happen. I still sit alone at least once every month and watch every video...look through pictures and talk aloud to them like they are right next to me. Hell, I talk to my daddy every.single.day. Like I said, we all deal differently...and whatever works for each of us...works. Whatever gets you through it. Because, let's face it...there is no "getting over" it. You have to find a way to keep going. I found writing helped...and I went through my folders and folders of journal entries such as this:

my letting out

October 2, 2007

"Well, it is getting damn close to one year since dad passed. I still have not been to visit his grave. I don’t think I can. I don’t think I can remain as strong for everyone if I give in and throw in the towel so to speak. I only say that because, I cannot let myself think of his body being there underground and his soul in heaven at the same time. What the hell, it isn’t even about anyone else, it is about me. Me and the fact that I cannot, I refuse to let go. Somehow I have managed to go crazy inside of my own head without letting on to anyone else that I am anymore crazy than normal. I go about my day to day and think, “hell, if I don’t actually go there, it is not real.” It is the same with Gram…I CANNOT do it yet. I don’t know when I will be able to do it. I will go eventually. This all will break me HARD one day…and I will more than likely be in a mass depression for weeks. This will seem strange for most, because most “normal” folk grieve at the time their loved ones pass. I on the other hand…apparently tend to hold it in a bit. Mom and the rest of the family go quite often to the graves. They decorate the graves, talk to dad and gram and then they call me to tell me about it. I don’t break down, I listen and lie. I tell them, “Yeah, I was just there the other day, the wreath is gorgeous.” I don’t have the heart to break theirs. I cannot allow them to think me that heartless. I am not that heartless. I am a coward. That is it, the truth is out. I am not strong. I cannot handle everything that this life throws my way. I pray to God every time I drive the road that leads to where they lay buried for the strength to slow down and turn in. That strength has not come to me yet. I am confident God will grant me that strength when He knows I am ready to deal with it."

The past couple of weeks have hit hard. Not only did I lose friends, but my friends...my chosen family lost family and friends. And like I told mom, I forgot what it was like to lose someone you genuinely care about and at the same time don't have to stay strong for anyone all the time. It hits you all at once and does not stop. At the same time it hurts constantly, not for your own sorrow...but because you know how much those that lost, those you love so very much are hurting. It tugs and rips your heart...you can be there...that's all you can do...and it never seems enough. No amount of shoulder to lean on, coffee and doughnuts, an ear to listen will do what you so wish that it could. All the while just being there helps those, and they tell you so...and deep down you know it does...it still does not seem enough. I find it hard to look them in the eye...because I know if I do we will cry. Which is fine, that's allowed. Like I just read earlier from a very wise person, there is no expiration date on tears. Tears. No recession on tears lately. I miss them both so much. A friend and I talked today...and lunch time...well...it will never be the same without Nikki. Even if she opted out...it was always a question, "where is Nik going today?" And Charlie and I met a couple times...but we facebooked it up...he was SO funny! I am going to miss all of it. All of them. All that they would have been...together. All I can say...is that I will be here no matter what for those that lost, ALWAYS, Nikki will always be at lunch with us daily and with me during every Bengals game no matter how badly they are playing, Charlie...well, I will be walking in October in their honor since they wanted to go...and not a St. Patty's Day will go by without thinking of him. Rest in peace my friends...I know you are wrapping your wings around those that need you most. Thinking of you always!

I will leave you with this from my very dear friend:

This is for all that have EVER lost: Everyday I think, ache, and cry for my darling little girl ♥. I kept writing on her fb more to just keep in contact I think with her. For some reason it made me feel closer. Maybe like she was reading it. Afraid she couldn't hear my thoughts.

I started a journal this morning. It is everything I think, feel, and some things are what I said to her and other things are what I want to say to her. Doesn't matter if it makes since. Doesn't matter if I misspell, doesn't matter if I write sloppy!

I feel (even tho I just started it today) that it is helping me. The tears haven't flowed today..not saying they won't later but it is like a release. Something just between me and Nik. It sits beside my chair and when I start thinking about her, I pick it up and just start writing!

Everyone is different, everyone has their own way. Maybe if you pick up a journal and just start writing to your loved one something just between you and them. I have no idea how long I will write. Don't know if I will do it everyday. All I know is right now, at this very moment I am breathing, not crying and think it is helping me!

When I went to get the journal I looked and looked just for the "right" one. I saw these beautiful purple lilac's on this book. I didn't notice what it said until I picked it up this morning to start writing. On the front it says "From the fullness of His Grace we have all received one blessing after another". John 1:16. I thought aww my blessing was having her in my life!

Then I opened the book and looked at the bottom of the page. On every single page it says "May God our Father and Jesus Christ our Lord show you His kindness and mercy and give you great peace of heart and mind". I Timothy 1:2

I thought OMGOSH I was meant to do this....

If you feel this may help someone you know, please feel free to re-post this. I feel this is Nikki still at work, helping not only her mommy but others too! ♥

~~til next time~~

xoxo